Behind the Scenes
by tinlizzie82
Summary: This story was written for the NCIS LFWS contest. The prompt was to write a story about what the team does on a boring day. I took the prompt as an opportunity to explore the "fourth wall" convention, with what I hope are humorous results.


_Author's note: I assume everyone knows that NCIS airs on Tuesdays in the US, but you also need to know that 24 airs on Mondays._

_**Behind the Scenes**_

Monday, and the bullpen was quiet, the only sounds the tap of computer keys and the rustle of paper. Well, they were _almost_ the only sounds. A series of dings, whistles and pops were coming from Tony's computer, occasionally accompanied by a whoop of excitement when he killed a target.

"Tony, do you think you could keep it down so those of us actually trying to accomplish something could have some peace," snarked McGee as he hit the wrong key when one of Tony's outbursts startled him.

Tony ignored him for a while before he shut off the game he was playing, grabbed his coffee, and wandered over to McGee's desk. After observing for a moment he asked, "So what exactly are you doing, McGeek?"

"Reconfiguring the hard drive."

"Why?"

"Why do you think? I want it to run faster."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"Why do you want it to run faster, we never really use them. When we need some information we just hit a few keys and _voila_! Man, I wish my computer at home would do that."

"I want to be prepared in case one day it doesn't work like that," said McGee, hitting a final key and sitting back to watch his modifications scroll across the screen.

Tony sipped his coffee while he considered this for a bit. "Nah, you're just a nerd. I bet you were given a lot of wedgies in high school."

"I'm sure he was. Good nutrition has been shown to improve brain power," said Ziva as she looked up from her desk..

"What?!?" exclaimed Tim and Tony in unison.

"It is true. A healthy diet, with plenty of fruits and vegetables, can make you healthy and smart."

"Wedgies, Ziva, not veggies,'" said Tony with a laugh.

"What is this ... wedgie?"

"It's when you grab someone's pants from behind and pull," answered Tony.

"And you would do this because ...?" asked Ziva, her brow wrinkling in confusion. "Is this some American ritual?"

"You could say that."

"Maybe you should give her a demonstration," said McGee with a snicker.

Tony's eyes lit up with glee. He put down his drink and crooked a finger to draw Ziva over. She gave them a suspicious look but came out into the middle of the bullpen. Tony went over and stood behind her. He looked back at McGee, his lips pressed together in suppressed mirth, then grabbed the back of Ziva's cargo pants and pulled up. Hard.

Ziva gasped. In a blur, she turned and snaked her leg out. The next thing Tony knew, he was lying on the floor with Ziva standing over him. Before he could get up, Gibbs entered the bullpen and glared at his agents.

"Exactly what the hell do you guys think you're doing!"

Ducking his head, Tim muttered, "Tony was just showing Ziva what a wedgie was."

A smile quirked the corners of Gibbs' mouth as he stared down at his senior agent. "That's not the way I remember them," he said as he stepped over Tony on the way to his desk. "DiNozzo, get up and get to work."

Tony scrambled to his feet. "Doing what, boss?" he asked, "It's Monday. Nothing ever happens on Monday. Come to think of it, half our stuff doesn't even work on Mondays."

Ziva nodded her agreement. "The phones never ring on Monday."

"Remotes don't work either," said McGee as he clicked one in the direction of the plasma screen. "See ... nothing."

"Maybe it needs new batteries," said Gibbs.

"I already checked. Most of them don't even _have _batteries."

Gibbs rolled his eyes. "There's your answer."

"No, boss, they don't have batteries even on the days they're working."

"Maybe it has something to do with the people and cameras that are here whenever we have a case," said Ziva, "Maybe it is something they do for the training videos."

"Training videos?," exclaimed Tony. "You think they're making training videos?"

"Well, what else would they be doing, DiNozzo? We may be the best MCRT in the agency but video of us isn't gonna win an Emmy," said Gibbs.

"It's advertising," explained Tony.

"Advertising for what?" asked Ziva.

"For NCIS ... you know, recruiting films. Sex sells and have you guys looked in the mirror lately? We are HOT!" Tony leaned forward and lowered his voice so that the other agents in the office wouldn't hear. "Look around, compared to everyone else here, even McGeek is a hunk." McGee kicked Tony in the shin making him cry out, "Ow! What was that for? I said you were a hunk."

"No," corrected Ziva, "You said he was a hunk compared to everyone else who you do not think is attractive."

"Everything's relative," said Tony with a shrug.

"Relative to what?" asked Abby as she bounced into the bullpen.

"Tony's ego," answered McGee.

"Hard to compare to that," said Gibbs with a grin.

Tony clasped his hands to his heart as he said in a mockingly hurt tone, "I'm devastated, boss. I thought you recognized my greatness."

"Recognize a lot of things about you, DiNozzo. Greatness is not the first that comes to mind."

"Can we get back on topic here," asked McGee. "I want to figure out what is going on."

"Going on with what?" asked Abby.

"Mondays," replied McGee. He thought for a moment then asked her, "Do your machines work on Mondays?"

"I don't know," she said in a quizzical tone, "I've never tried them. I don't think we've ever had a case on a Monday."

"Don't you find that strange?" asked McGee.

"Now that you mention it, it is kinda hinky. We get a case almost every Tuesday, sometimes they even run through the weekend, but Mondays are always quiet."

"National felon's holiday," suggested Tony.

"Marines too hungover to get in trouble," said Ziva.

"Nah, not even close," said Gibbs, "I know the real answer."

""Well?!?" came the chorus from the rest of the team when he didn't elaborate.

"NCIS has an agreement with the DOD. Jack Bauer handles the bad guys on Mondays."


End file.
